JOKES

HEAVEN

A man and his wife were sleeping.

The man started dreaming of heaven. Here is what happened there with the angel:

Man and angel were going, as they reached the first gate of heaven, the man told the angel he wants to urinate, the angel said,we don't allow dat here but i permit you.

As they were abt getting to the second gate, the man told the angel again he wants to polute, the angel looked at him and said, we don't allow it here but i permit you,

As they were about getting to the third gate, the man told the angel again that he wants to defecate (shit), the angel permitted him again.

After the man finished shitting, he saw a rose flower by The gate, as he took the flower to clean his buttocks, a heavy slap landed on his face on bed. it was his wife.

The wife said "You piss for bed i no talk, you mess for bed i no talk, you shit for bed again i no talk, you wan cum use my wrapper clean yansh you dey mad?

SHARPT GUY

Girl; I forgot my purse at home,Pls give me N5,000 2buy dis stuff? Boy: d nxt ATM is far frm here bt tak dis N100, go home bring ur purse.

SIDE EFFECTS

John was sick, so the doctor gave

him a

tablet.

He started cutting the sides of the

tablet.

Doctor asked: "Why are you cutting

the

sides...??"

John replies: "To avoid side

effects...!!

CHEQUES

Mallam Usman lost his cheque booklet and went to the bank. Bank Manager: Be careful Mallam, anyone can forge your signature.

Mallam: I'm not a fool ... I have already signed all the cheques, so they won't have space to forge my signature:D

COINS

Frank wanted 2 have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else... One day, Frank

got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a £1000 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said “NO”. Frank said, "I'll be FAST. I'll throw the

money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the

time you pick it up. " She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. & Her boyfriend said 2 her,~"Ask him for £2000, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down." So she agrees

and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend was still waiting patiently for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after

45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asked what happened. She responded, "The guy used COINS o o! I'm stil PICKING and he is still DOING †ђξ stuff ooooooooooooooo!•••

D boyfriend FAINTED

INTELLIGENCE MEETS MR

CLEVER!!!!!!!!

A black guy and a white guy

were sitting in the park.

The white man had a pet

monkey and a black guy was selling bananas,

So the black guy said "Mr. Can u

look after my bananas I am

going to the toilet".

"Oh yes go ahead"said the

white guy. When the black guy came back there were no more

bananas and he goes mad, ”

where are my bananas?"

The white guy says"ask your

brother", pointing at his

monkey. The black guy just chilled.

Then the white guy said few

seconds later, can u look after

your brother I am going to the

toilet. The black guy says, OK.

When the white guy came back the monkey was deadand he

went mad asking"what

happened to my monkey?"

The black dude says"Mr. Don't

get involved it’s a family

matter!!"

BEER

Nigerian Breweries recorded sales of N230 billion in 2011 while Guinness also recorded sales of N200 billion totaling N430 billion ($2.8 billion) which is about 2% of our GDP. The average Nigerian is either a Christian or a Muslim. Both religions strictly forbid d intake of alcohol. So, who drank N430 billion worth of alcohol in one year? Nigerians! God is watching us in Plasma 3D!".,

WHITE MAN

A white man visited Nigeria for the 1st time

and was taken round the city of abuja by

Ambali - a taxi driver.

They drove past an edifice that looked like d

world trade centre.

The white man said,

"Wow! this building is awesome. how long

did it take them to build this?"

Ambali replied,

"3 years sir."

The white man said,

"that's too long. In my country, it takes just 6

months to build something like this".

They drove past a Mega mall and d white man

said,

"Now this is what I call magnificent! How long

does it take to build this one?"

Ambali at this time trying to be more

impressive said,

"4 months sir".

"That's too bad. in my country it takes just 2

months for something like this".

Finally, they drove past the 60,000 capacity

National Stadium and the white man was

awestruck.

He said,

"Excellent! world class!. how long does it take

to build this?"

Ambali answered,

"Oga, as I was coming this morning it wasn't

there o!"

QUESTION TAG

Teacher:- Our topic ƑƠ̴͡Ʀ today is Question Tag

Example:- ♈ø̲̣̣̥u Ħăv̶̲̥̅̊ǝ̥̥ a bag,haven't ♈ø̲̣̣̥u?

Example 2:- He can't come,can he?

  Й☺w̶̲̥̅ who can make a sentence using Question Tag???

  La8:- We go chop yam today,Chopn't we??

  Teacher:- ΨЂÅƮ???:/This is terrible!!!!!!Who can correct that Sentence???

   la7ven:- Aunty,no mind dat yamhead!!!

   We go chop yam today,Yamn't it???

MAD MAN & POLICE:

Mad-man passing n saw police doing parade,he

started practing like them,if they match 4ward,he'll

match 4ward,attention,he'll do same,so he cont until

A DPO ws driving in,saw d madman n calld him. DPO:Hey what do u think u re doing?

MAD-MAN:I am enjoying d police parade

DPO:Do u want to join polce?

MAD-MAN: Hold it there!!..join police...I de maaaad?

DON'T TEMPT A WOMAN. . . . .

.A woman goes 2 italy 2

attend a 2 wk company trainin session. Her husband

drives her 2 de airport n wishes her 2 hv a gud trip.

De wife answers, 'tank u honey, wht wud u like me 2

bring 4 u?' de husband laughs n says, 'an italian gal'

de woman kept quiet n left. 2 weeks later, he picks her up in de airport n asks, 'so honi, hw was de trip?'

'very gud, tnk u.' 'and wht hapend 2 my present?'

'which present?' she askd. 'de one i askd for,an

italian gal' 'oh dat!' she said. 'wel, i tried wht i

culd,now we hv 2 wait for 9 months 2 see if it's a

gal'

FROZEN LOVER

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! Bose.
2nd woman: Hi! Chi-Chi. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad.. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the bedroom and searched, and down into the kitchen.. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just kneeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

CHURCH

During church service this 16yrs old pastor's daughter stood up and said 'praise the Lord'. Everybody shouted 'Halleluyah'.She continued....'since the tender age of 13 i've been experiencing monthly period with so much pain but now after a series of Bible studies and prayers with Bro. Odunayo, our Sunday school teacher in his house, my
monthly periods have ceased for more than 3months now, no more painful menstruating.
You can see i'm even getting fatter and prettier. Praise the lord.


SOMEWHERE IN NIGERIA

•someWhereInNigeria aki and pawpaw are
skipping with their USB cords

•SomeWhereInNigeria someone is using
kerosene stove to iron his clothes

•SomewhereInNigeria Sum1 is using her
semester school fees to buy a blackberry
Bold 5.

•SomeWhereInNigeria someone is
borrowing a blackberry to update a staus
and pic on facebook

•somewhereinnigeria a Unilag babe is
rubbing the head of her father's agemate

•SomewhereInNigeria someone is paying 20
naira as offering after giving a prostitute
5K for the night

HOW TO MESS IN PUBLIC AND RETAIN UR IMAGE.

To mess for public dey sweet but if dem catch u, no be small embarassment o! Just follow dis guide lines and u are on ur way to being a star in dis profession.
1. When u enter a hall, check d wind direction, if na closed hall with AC, better. Maximum impact.
2. Make sure say u sidon face d wind direction.
... 3. Make sure say u get enough leg space. U go soon knw why.
4. Form ajebo by crossing ur legs every now and then.
5. U don ready to execute, try hold am until time wey d hall dey noisy incase ur mess na d type wey dey sound like AK47.
6. Now carefully cross ur leg, right over left.
7. Elevate d right yansh lobe.
8. Release small (sound check)
9. If no sound, allow make d mess flow steady.
10. Allow time for proper circulation.
NOTE:
1. Make sure say no be u be d first person to complain. 2. When ppl begin dey shout say e no go better for d person wey do dis kind thing, simply ask "why person no fit respect d presence of odas na?"
3. No hala pass odas if not u go bcom suspect.
4. Take style disengage frm d area, relocate to another zone and repeat d exercise.

COUPLE CONVERSATION
Wife : can I have your phone for a second

Husband : wait let me switch it on
... Delete video
Delete pictures
Delete music
Delete privates
Delete numbers
Delete
Delete
Delete
Delete
Delete
Delete
Delete X_X 
Delete
Delete
Delete
Delete
Delete
Delete X_X
Delete
Delete   
FORMAT MeMoRY CARD#:-s

...Here u go 3-| I have nothing to hide from u!!

Wife :  I just wanted to check the time:>

NAIJA!

An American, A Briton & a Nigerian were on a ship. Suddenly the Devil appeared and said, "Drop anything in the sea, if I find it I will eat u, If I can't, I will be ur slave!" The American dropped a pin, the Devil found it and ate him. The English man dropped a coin, the Devil found it and ate him too. The Nigerian opened a bottle of water, poured it in the sea and said: "Na today? find am”.

HAPPY COUPLE

Once upon a time, a Married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25 years they had spent together.
Local newspaper Editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well-known "Happy Marriage."
Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We went to Mexico for our honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started the ride on different horses.
My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be crazy.
On the way ahead, the horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, "This is your first time."
She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. She again kept calm and said, "This is your second time" and continued.
When the horse dropped her, the third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse Dead!!
I shouted at my wife: "Why did you do that, you psycho? You killed the poor animal.
Are you crazy?"
She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: "This is your first time!!!" Since then, I never picked any quarrel nor raise my voice on her.

RELAXING?

Musa was enjoying the sun at the beach in Lekki  when a lady came and asked him, "Areu relaxing?"

Musa replied; "No, I am Musa". A man came and asked  him the same question. Musa replied,

"No! No! Me Musa!"

A Little Girl came and asked him same question again. Musa became angry and decided to move away.

While walking, he saw a guy sunbathin.

He went up to him and asked," Are you Relaxing?"

The guy replied; "Yes, I am relaxing."

Musa gave him a hot slap on his face and screamed;

"Stupid idiot, Is it not you everybody is  looking for?"



QUESTION TAG

Teacher: Our topic for today is question tag..

Example1 You have a bag,haven't you?

Example2 He can't come, can he?

Now Who can make a sentence using question tag?

Kim: we go chop yam today chopn't we?

Teacher: what?? This is terrible! Who can correct that sentence??

Akpos: aunty no mind dat yamhead!
we go chop yam today, yamn't it??


LIARS!

Pastor rounded up last sunday service and said nxt sunday I'm gonna preach on. D topic LIARS and I will like u 2 read d bk of mark chpter 17, nxt sunday pastor rose up and said morning church I asked u all 2 read mark 17 last sunday,raise yr hand if u read d chapter,most pple raised up dere hands,smilling,pastor said u re d very pple I want 2 talk 2,mark has only 16 chapters liars.

LITTLE GIRL

A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

“Because you got an F in sex. ”

BUS CONVO

Conductor: Wey ur money?
Passenger: I be staff!
Conductor: Which kind staff u be!You be Police?
Passenger: No!
Conductor: You be Soldier?
Passenger: No!
Conductor: You be Navy!
Passenger: No!
Conductor: You be Air Force?
Passenger: No!
Conductor: Then, wetin u be self!Abeg pay my money jo!
Passenger: I be Boko Haram!
People in Bus: WHAAAT!!!Conductor U don Mad? Oga Boko, Sorry sir, abeg
no vex. We go pay For U Sir. God bless you.
<Shouts from passengers: Driver,ejooor! Next junshion wa o, keep the change! Oga driver abeg, mo fe bole o, this belle just dey run me since morning!!! .

EMEKA

Emeka returns a book to the Library,bangs it on the counter & yells, "I read this entire novel; there are too many names of people & no story at all!" The Librarian looks up and responds: So u are the one who took the Telephone Directory?

NAIJA MENTALITY
_All softdrinks are called mineral'
_All Fathers came first position while @
school.
_India beat nigeria 99~1 bcos the ... ... ... ball
was turnin 2 Lion
_If ur wealth start reducing its ur village
people dat are doing u.
-Rice and stew....Every sunday afternoon.
-Every commodity outside Africa is original.
-Anybody with Aids got it through sex.
-she's a calabar girl' chai" she go sabi do...."
-Every seasonin cube is maggi.
-U must finish D rice b4 u touch d meat
_Every toothpaste na closeup.
_Every insecticide na Fleet
-Every detergent na omo.
-Any rich hausa is an Alhaji', D poor ones na
Aboki' shuo"
-U smoke u are an armed robber!
-_If u find money on d floor,pee on it b4
pickin it up,unless u turn 2 Yam!
_only science students are smart
-Once u travel overseas u must be very
rich.as if they share money on the plane
_-Drogba use juju tie Torres 4 leg'lol
_-Every Girl dat plays and jokes with a boy,
has slept with him.
-U must buy bread when travelling'
-_when u loose a tooth,throw it on the roof
of d house,and run round the house 7 times"
-Every noodle is called indomie"
-globe na bulb for Nigeria English
- 9ja drvers no  D̶̲̥̅̊ε̲̣̣̣̥γ̲̣̣̥ hoot horn them they blow am ni. - if u no put ''Ni'' or ''O'' at the end of your speech u never talk o. - Abi I don  D̶̲̥̅̊ε̲̣̣̣̥γ̲̣̣̥ speak nija English ni? I no speek am o.

SEE WETIN BB CAUSE OOOOOO...

Charmer:::: Hello Sweet Girl
Sweetgal:::: Hi Lover Boy!
Charmer:::: Can I know you more please?
Sweetgal:::: 17, female, sweet lips, bootylicious and Delicious, in Port Harcourt and you? ...
Charmer:::: Mmmmmh, I am in love already. I’m 52, male, 6 pack, big Chest, Port Harcourt.
Sweetgal:::: You're 52? OMG! Serious . Same age as my dad.
Charmer:::: I’m just so into fresh young beautiful girls. Sweetgal:::: Do you have a wife?
Charmer:::: Yes, but not as sexy as you, I have a daughter, she is in her bedroom with her friend doing homework.
Sweetgal:::: Then why do you like young girls? Charmer:::: I love them because they are beautiful not to mention sexy and with fresh boobs and booty. Sweetgal:::: I am also into older men with iPhones, ipads, cash and driving expensive cars.
Charmer:::: I can offer all of that and even more. Sweetgal:::: I think we should meet because you are in Port harcourt and I am also here.
Charmer:::: That would be nice, where do I pick you up tomorrow with my new G-guard sexy girl?
Sweetgal:::: Tomorrow I am going to school it won’t be possible.
Charmer:::: Or maybe over the weekend, going to school is very important.
Sweetgal:::: While still chatting let me continue with my homework, I don’t want my dad to know that i have a BB, he will be mad at me.
Charmer::::Which homework is that? maybe I can assist you.
Sweetgal:::: It's a Biology assignment and my friend Lucy is assisting me.
Charmer:::: Hey, your friend’s name is Lucy? Sweetgal:::: Yes.
Charmer:::: Exactly where in Port Harcourt are you? Sweetgal:::: Woji and you?
Charmer:::: Mercy!!! is that you???
Sweetgal:::: Dad,is that you??

Alone

Malcolm enters a church & finds the priest. "How may I help you son?" asks the priest. "Am looking for my wife, she said she would be here but as I can see, she's not around. Now that am here, I would like to confess”. They go to the confession area. "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
"What are your sins my son?" Malcolm replies,
"The other day, I went looking for my wife at her home but she was not there. I found her sister alone, I slept with the sister."
"Oh, that is sin, but at least you came to confess".

"Then another day, I went looking for her at her aunt's place but she was not there, I found her cousin alone, I slept with the cousin".
"You know that is wrong my son". "Then the other day I went looking for her at her working place. She was not there, I found her
colleague alone,.."
The priest interrupts,
"Let me guess, you slept with her colleague?"
"Yes father".

There was silence after that. Malcolm calls,
"Father?" "Father?" Still silent.

The man peeps through and finds out that the priest is not no longer there. He looks for him and finds him hiding.
"Why are you hiding father?"
The priest replies,
"I've just realized am the only one here and you came looking for ur wife".

UGLY woman

 

An UGLY woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins?''

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.

Why? Do you think theylook alike?"

"No", he replies

"I just can't believe you got fucked twice

Funny Blind Man

Blind man carrying a crippled on his back said, "e be like say plenty fine girls dey dis area?" /:)

Cripple: "how U take know, U see them?" :O

Blind man: "No, but Ur prick dey stand since we enter this area."....

Chinese Conversation

Chinese speaking to a Chinese telephone operator..

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller: I’m Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It’s urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what’s this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well… just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn’t an urgent matter!You may find this hilarious but I don’t have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator : I’m Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!

Operator: That’s what I said. I’m Saw Ree.

 Foolish Boy

Mr Azu and his friend Oko were arguing about their sons. Mr Azu said his son was more foolish than Oko's son, bt Oko disagreed so they decided to prove it. Mr Azu called his son and told him to go to the market and buy a box of matches and the boy

left without asking for money ... Then Mr Azu said to me; "You see how foolish he is, he

didn't even ask for money" Oko replied; "is this

what you call foolishness? Wait and see".

Then Oko called his son and told him to go

home and check if he was around. He took to

his heels and came back panting; Papa, you no dey

house, Mama say you dey your friend place.

 Change Oil

A white man 80 years of age married a young lady. A year later he carried her to the hospital, and she had a baby.The nurse said to the man: ‘At your age, how do you do that?’The man answered: ‘You just have to keep the motor running’.Another year passes, and the man carries her back to the hospital, another baby.The same nurse said to the man and asked: ‘You are something else, how do you do that?’.He said: ‘I told you that you just have to keep the motor running’.Another year and back to the hospital for another baby.The same nurse said: ‘You are unbelievable, how do you do that?!’.He said: ‘You got to keep the motor running’.She answered: ‘Well, you better change oil, because this one came out Black'

Photocopying machine!

Mother in-law: My daughter in law

am so surprised dat my son's

children don't look like him. Why?

Wife: Ma what i have in between my

legs is a vagina and not a

photocopying machine!

Range Rover 

One day my papa call me, my brother and my mother together and tell us say if we dream say them wan give us something for dream make we no collect, say na enemies wan give us bad things.

He say if we dream that kind dream make we tell am and he go buy that thing wey them wan give us for dream for us. Two days laters my brother sleep for night dey mention RICE! RICE!! RICE!!!, ma papa wake am say wetin dey happen, he say them wan give am rice for dream. My papa give am #500 say make he take eat rice. When i see say the thing dey work... The next day i start to dey shout MR BIGGS!!! for night. Ma papa say wetin, i say them wan gimme Mr Biggs for dream. My papa gimme #1000 make i take eat Mr Biggs. Na so i do wey i take buy my phone and bicycle. But the one wey i do wey i take spoil evrything na for one night wen i dey shout RANGE ROVER!!!, ma papa wake up say wetin... I say them wan gimme RANGE ROVER for dream.

My papa say 'sleep make you collect am!

 Bananas

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair have grown is called Monkey, be proud dat your monkey have grown hair". . . . the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey have grown hair" . . . . . . . . Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas" . . . . . . . Mom fainted

IT HUSBAND

This is the consequence of marrying someone who's in the IT line. The day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a Systems administrator.

Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in." Wife : Have you brought the grocery? Husband : Bad command or filename. Wife : But I told you in the morning Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife : What about my new TV?

Husband : Variable not found ...

Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.

Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied

Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny? Husband : Too many parameters ...

Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.

Husband : Data type mismatch.

Wife : You are useless.

Husband : It's by Default.

Wife : What about your Salary?

Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.

Wife : What is my value in the family. Husband : Unknown Virus

 MISTAKEN IDENTITY

Mr n Mrs Njoro were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Njoro kissed his ... wife goodbye and said, ... 'Well, I'm off now.

The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, Mr. Kamau a door-to- door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am ', he said, 'I've come to..'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Njoro cut in, embarrassed, 'I' ve been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Pliz come in n hv a seat !'

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Njoro n me!'

'Well, Ma'am , none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Njoro. 'Ma'am , in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Njoro quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out an album of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Njoro exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Njoro.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. Ppl were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Njoro, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Njoro leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment ?'

'It's true, Ma'am , yes. . Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

 IT'S STARTED

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

The man sighs and says, "It’s started."